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Gambling Jokes
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept
them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he
announced,
"My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give
one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large
SPLASH!!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all of his might as the
crowd cheered him on.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain... which do you want, my daughter or the
one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your
daughter!
I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's
not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well
you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab
and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Satan:
"You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow,
that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you
can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow." Guy:
"WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "Hell, no!" Satan: "Hm, you gonna hate Fridays
then."
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A man rushes into his house and yells to his
wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or
cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
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Two
bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes
in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice
while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES!
I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other
dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching
the dice!"
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A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy
machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.
She picked up the candy bar and put it in her
pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put
it in her pocket.
She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.
A
man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"
She
said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"
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Two dog owners were
bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could
play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that?
A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
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A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings
account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says,
"Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash.
I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock
full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself
to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it
personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?",
he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example,
I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You
got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet
little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.
"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's
no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and
I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook
hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning
at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office.
The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes
to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that
morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had
won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a
bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well,
it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady.
"For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered,
but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches
out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag
of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?"
asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him
that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
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A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog
sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then
the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising,
discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind
to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer
hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must
be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand
he wags his tail."
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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in
serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery
night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once
again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children
are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery
this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's
not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I
tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you
cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."
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Two friends, Smith
and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would
go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.
Jones quickly lost all of his money and
went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming
toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me
here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine!
It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"
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Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered
by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about
the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get
gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied
the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. " "Two," said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the one
Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife
won twice last week."
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the
surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
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A computer programmer and an engineer were
sitting next to each other on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the engineer and asked whether he would
like to play a game. The engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled over toward the window and closed
his eyes.
The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained "I ask
you a question - if you don't know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the
answer, I'll pay five bucks to you." Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated,
said, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you fifty bucks!"
This caught the engineer's attention, and - seeing no end to his torment unless he played the game - agreed to play. The programmer
asked the first question: "What's the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet,
pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the programmer. Now it was the engineer's turn. He asked the programmer: "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer
and searched through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with his modem and searched through the Internet
and the Library of Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to all of his brightest colleagues, but
could find no help anywhere. After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The engineer accepted the money
politely and closed his eyes again.
The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer's shoulder and
demanded, "So, what's the answer?". The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the programmer a five
dollar bill, and went right back to sleep.
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Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would
bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot
was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids
need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help
me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling.
Buckshot’s reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."
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A rabbi, a minister, and
a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: "Father Murphy, were
you gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police
officer, he then says, "No, officer, I was not gambling." The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling." Turning to the rabbi, the officer
again asks: "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "With whom?"
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Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite
excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided
to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three
words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."
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The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet" You stand behind the
game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week
a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him
later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country
Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife
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One day, at a casino
buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby
table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern
at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table
as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I
work for the IRS."
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A
woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides
to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests
she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts
from the woman's face and she faints
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A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says
"Yes", so the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher
says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but
the steaks are too high."
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A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague
on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As
he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there
are three doctors there already!"
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The strong young man
at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun
of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money
where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The
old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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"I
want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from
but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've
cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How
much?' I said, and he said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite
natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He bet
me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"
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Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled
away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open,
so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned
his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where
he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found
the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that
man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the
door open!"
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President Clinton was being
entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the
new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink vodka
and play Russian roulette. President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette is a dangerous game!"
The African leader smiled.
"That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll
show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently built women who immediate shrugged off their
garb. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
As you can well imagine, THIS
got Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How is this related
to Russian roulette?"
The African leader smiled evilly, leaned towards Clinton and in a soft, even voice said "One
of them is a cannibal."
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A man
was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What
was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.
"Two
weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied,
apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your
horse phoned."
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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week
flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and
discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old
lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says
"I know what you mean...my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers
"hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have
it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full
of quarters."
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The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man
says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
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Poker Player And His Wife |
A regular Friday night poker game was still
going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he
told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively
the last deal."
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Two
men were at the Casino and were just leaving to go home at 3:00 a.m.
Man1: You know what I hate about this? When I
go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off
my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.
Man2: What I do
instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam
the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She
never even moves.
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A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't
want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked
outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by
a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing
his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that
if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message
to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The
professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
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A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around:
nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to
dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says:
OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally
open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man
takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette
tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the
whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball lands
on 14. The deep voice says: SHIT !
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for
the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip
ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there
was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he
offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt
appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike
to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard
to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out
to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line
of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a
moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the
first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for
you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of
each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of
the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman
said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs
up sign to each driver.
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During the Great Depression,
there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the
house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see
some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what
he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender
said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender?
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender
thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender,
and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet".
So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money,
bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to
the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and
card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll
bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without
spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much
less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the
bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing,
the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of
the guys in the card room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"
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Tony,
had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife would ask him how much money he lost at the casino.
Then
one night, Tony didn’t came home at all.
Finally he arrived home at 9 AM. His wife was furious at him.
Tony
smiled at her and said, ‘I have something to confess, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the
barmaid. We had the most incredible sex ever.’
‘Don’t give me that rubbish,’ his wife snapped.
‘Come on, tell me, how much did you lose last night?
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What's the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?
In a
casino, you really mean it!
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"That rotten husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I
have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent
is now paid up for six months!"
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I was walking down the street the other
day when I saw my buddy Matt.
I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last.
Matt
listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt
about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I
went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.
Matt
raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element."
Matt started grinning.
Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.
- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups
of coffee
- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
- I took a five minute shower
- I dressed in
the fifth suit I found in my closet
- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
- I drove to the
racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row
- I entered through the fifth admissions gate
- I bought
five programs
- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
- I went
and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.
I settled
in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"
I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse
came in fifth."
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Six guys were playing
poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen
comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going
to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet
man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks
on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She
hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
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